Persuasion
by Althea SaDiablo
Summary: After the third time Integral nearly gets used as a virgin sacrifice, Alucard decides there's a much easier way to protect his master. Beware rampant silliness.
1. In Which Alucard Grasps The Problem

Persuasion: In Which Alucard Grasps The Problem

            By Althea SaDiablo

Disclaimer: Hellsing isn't mine. This is definitely a good thing.

Author's Note: I have this strange and perverse urge to write humor for angsty series and angst for humorous ones- I think my muse has a warped sense of humor. But there's plenty of comedy in the Hellsing manga, so at least I'm on slightly firmer ground. Hopefully the sun which shines in the heavens will forgive me for writing this, because Integral's sure as hell not going to. \/\/007! I am enjoying myself with this one, though. The idea for this story actually came to me in the form of it's ff.net blurb, which is definitely a bad sign. But I'm writing it anyway. Please do leave me a review?

            He kicked aside the few body parts he hadn't eaten- a hand, something that might have been a knee if there had been more leg attached to it- and let his boots come down heavily on the stone steps leading up to the altar.

            He was getting tired of this.

            This time Integral was unconscious, and luckily so. For him, at least, because he didn't have her blistering his ears for taking so long. Never mind the fact that he'd had to slaughter a small army to get to her.

            Not that he was complaining.

            The heady scent of blood had already saturated the air, but he could still pick out hers. A few wounds in her arms still dripped, but the flow from them had mostly abated. It amused him to see her stubborn, even in unconsciousness, her body still fighting even without her awareness present. But he was enraged, as well, enough to wish he'd left a few of the vampires alive to take out his feelings on. They dared to use his master as . . . as a snack? They thought they could get away with it and not pay? He would give them a reckoning beyond their darkest nightmares, he would-

            Well, he already had. What a shame.

            Doubly good that she was unconscious, he decided. Otherwise she would have been yelling at him about the state of her clothing, too, and that was certainly not his fault. She had lost her jacket, somewhere, and what she had left was in ribbons, stained with her blood and vampire blood and dirt and a several other things that he thought it best not to inquire about. He couldn't begin to guess exactly what she'd been up to. Probably picking fights with her captors, which left him wondering why she hadn't called him to begin with.

            It would have been much easier if she had. Why did she persist in taking such foolish risks? This was the third time! She was lucky she wasn't dead.

            He sighed and shrugged out of his coat, then lifted her up to wrap it around her. Preserving her modesty meant she'd have one less thing to yell at him about if she did happen to wake up.

            Well, there was no point in hanging around. The freaks were dead, and Integral was debatably all right. In repose her face was relaxed, losing its cold, fixed expression for- what? He wasn't quite sure, but looking down at her in his arms, he suddenly thought that she looked very human.

            Lights flashed on the walls outside in regular patterns, red and blue, but the sirens had long since been turned off. The police were maintaining a perimeter around the building, but their purpose was more to keep back stupid human sheep than anything else. They knew enough not to approach him.

            Walter had no such reservations- he was there immediately, and the question in his faded eyes was quickly replaced by relief, and a gratitude he didn't bother to articulate. "Unconscious? Good thing."

            "Targets silenced," Alucard said, unnecessarily. He and Walter always had understood each other remarkably well.

            "I'll take her." The butler accepted Integral's weight without staggering, although she had to be at least as tall as he was. Alucard just stood there, watching as the butler carried his master off to the waiting Rolls.

            There had been that first time with Incognito, he remembered. It had led to quite a bit of fun, so he really couldn't complain about it, but it was also kind of embarrassing that it had happened in the first place. Integral had apparently been impressed, although probably less than pleased with the overall results. In fact, she's been particularly unhappy about the large-scale destruction of London, which Alucard considered to be an incidental side effect of his little romp with Set or Incognito or whoever he had been at the time. Walter had tried to explain it to him- it had something to do with her cigars, her favorite teashop, and the fact that she was in general rather fond of London- but Alucard had shrugged it off. She had other things to worry about besides yelling at him, so it was fine.

            But then there was the second time. Some foreign vampire fresh in from the continent had happened by and stolen her off the street between her new favorite teashop and the tobacco store. Said vampire had apparently decided, originally enough, to use her as a sacrifice to summon some dark god from Hell so that he could assimilate it and turn London into a suburb thereof.

            The vampire hadn't really gotten very far with it, though. In fact, Integral had been in the process of disemboweling him with the business end of her umbrella when Alucard had shown up. And she'd been so pleased with herself that she hadn't yelled at her servant vampire at all for arriving just a little late.

            This time, though . . . this time he had been delayed. This time he had lost his temper. This time, they'd almost succeeded before he had gotten there.

            Were there so few virgins around England that the stupid trash vampires had to steal his master? Three times?! Something had to be done.

            He was still thinking about it when he returned to his chair in the basement of the manor. Brooding. Three times was three times too many. He might not be on time, the next time. It was very important that there not be a next time.

            He was about to turn in for the day when the solution hit him, and it was so astoundingly obvious he couldn't believe it hadn't occurred to him before. Every one of the three times, the vampires had wanted a virgin sacrifice. Obviously if Integral wasn't a virgin, they couldn't use her as a sacrifice! He was laughing, it was so ludicrously simple. Brilliantly simple. It was pre-emptive protection. He should have thought of it years ago. He was surprised she hadn't come up with it herself. It would take care of the problem for good. Integral would be safe and he could go back to slaughtering vampires without having to worry about guarding her all the time.

            Content at last, he settled in for a good day's rest.


	2. In Which Alucard Decides Integral Is A R...

Persuasion: In Which Alucard Decides Integral Is A Rational Woman

            By Althea SaDiablo

Disclaimer: Don't own Hellsing. Desperate for more of it, though.

Author's Note: Well, this seems to be going smoothly, at least so far. I'm sure that roadblocks in writing this will come up in fairly short order, but for the time being the going is easy. Thus the uncharacteristicly fast pace in updates. Don't get used to it, kids. My Hellsing obsession continues unabated: you'd better all start writing! I need more fanfiction to read! 

            He was still thinking about it when he got up the following evening. He really should have thought of it before. It was really very amusing, so amusing that he was laughing about it. No more virgin sacrifices to worry about if Integral wasn't a virgin! Even Walter would have to appreciate the simplicity. He'd tell the Shinigami about it later and they'd have a good laugh over it.

            Well, now he knew the solution. But someone would have to implement it, otherwise it wasn't really useful. That actually took some serious consideration, and he began pacing as he thought about it. Took two to tango, didn't it? There was no question about it. Somebody was going to have to bed his master.

            Walter? No, he dismissed the idea out of hand. For one thing, the Shinigami was definitely getting on in years. For another, Integral treated him as a second father. Alucard had read some of Freud's publications back when the repulsive little man had been alive, and had thought that he was in serious need of mental help. No, that definitely wouldn't work. Walter would be horrified if he even tried to suggest it.

            One of the troops? Alucard ran through their half-familiar faces in his mind. No, that was no good, either. Most of them were scared shitless of Integral, just for starters. Those that weren't scared of her obviously weren't intelligent enough for the job, because Integral could undoubtably rip them all to pieces with her bare hands. They _should_ to be scared of her. Besides, they were under her command. She wouldn't even consider it.

            Who else even knew Integral? The rest of the hired help had very limited contact with her. The Round Table members? No, they wouldn't do at all. Boring, stuffy, pompous bastards, every one of them. One of the Peerage? No, he'd often overheard Integral complaining that the large majority of the nobility in England were boring, stuffy, pompous bastards. And that the quality of the nobility in general had taken a drastic and lamentable plunge over the past fifty years, so there was no use in looking farther afield.

            Other than that, she didn't really have contact with anyone. Well, except for the elderly man in the tobacco shop, who was perpetually smoking an exceptionally smelly pipe. Certainly no help. And he couldn't just pull some commoner off the street, it would never work. One of the maids would undoubtably put him out with the rest of the rubbish when she did her rounds, in any case.

            Not a single match for his master anywhere. Maybe his solution wasn't so wonderful after all. Wasn't there anyone suitable?

            . . . well, hey.

            Alucard stopped in his tracks.

            What about _him_?

            Yes, what about him? Why couldn't he do it?

            He considered it carefully. He was certainly the closest to Integral, although he'd never really thought about it that way before. He'd known her for ten years, and that was quite a while, at least as humans reconned time. And while he hadn't been human in quite a while, he was fairly sure that the required plumbing was in good working order.

            And he had been considered good looking at one point, although he'd never really thought about it. He had tall, dark, and handsome covered. Way back when, he'd even been considered dashing. Charming, too, when he put his mind to it. He tended to conciously emphasize his more frightening features- not that he'd gotten to see himself in a mirror anytime recently- but that was affectation, all in good fun. He _liked_ looking scary, although it probably wouldn't be appropriate under these circumstances. No, probably not. But he did remember what it had been like when women had sighed over him and bothered him with letters and subtly veiled propositions. Of course, he hadn't been interested at the time, but things were different now, weren't they?

            His thoughts strayed to more recent memories- specifically, the significant stretches of Integral's dark skin revealed by her tattered clothing the previous night- and he smiled. Yes, things were _definately_ different now. He really was dense not to have seen it before: Integral was a very attractive woman. Very attractive. No reason why this shouldn't be pleasant for him, too, right? It would be very, very good. For both of them.

            And yes, the plumbing was definately in working order.

            That just left how he was going to do it.

            Then he wondered why the implementation was giving him such a pause. It wouldn't be hard at all, really. Integral was an intelligent, rational woman. She prided herself on her logical thinking, and his plan was perfectly logical and well thought-out. He would explain the problem and outline the solution, and things would proceed from there.

            Although out of practice, his imagination was able to provide several interesting ideas for just how things would proceed.

            Would she be annoyed at him? About the whole virgin sacrifice thing and how it had taken him so long to come to her rescue? He hesitated, but then dismissed the worry. Even if she was, the elegant simplicity of his plan would most certainly mollify her. There was really nothing to worry about.

            He knew she'd be wanting to see him in fairly short order now that the sun was down, and so he confidently headed up to her office.


End file.
